Zara Employee: Hi Mrs. Trump, and welcome to Za-
Melania: I want to cause a ruckus.
Zara Employee: Well you’ve come to the right place. If there’s one thing we’re known for here at Zara it’s our disruptive sense of fashion.
Zara Manager: (Whispering into employee’s ear) Not to mention our disruptive prices.
Zara Employee: Not to mention our disruptive prices!
Melania: (rolls eyes) Here we go.
Zara Employee: Your son is so, uh, cute. (Gestures to boy humping a mannequin’s leg.)
Melania: (Very serious) That’s my stepson.
(Awkward silence. Grunts from Donald Jr.)
Melania: If only I could get separated from him at the border, am I right?
Zara Employee: What?
Melania: Nothing.
(Awkward silence. Grunts from Donald Jr.)
Zara Employee: So what can we help you with today?
Melania: I want something GREEN like the color of MONEY.
Zara Employee: Ok, so like a dress or-
Melania: And one more thing.
Zara Employee: Yes?
Melania: I want it to have words.
Zara Employee: Sorry?
Melania: (Screaming into earpiece she’s ripped off the head of a Secret Service agent) I WANT IT TO HAVE WORDS.
Zara Employee: Oh yes, of course ma’am.
(Zara employee walks into back room where all the other Zara employees sit silently with their hands in their laps, waiting for their shift.)
Zara Employee: She wants it to have words.
Weird Zara Employee Who Brings Paint From Home: (Stops licking paint off paint brush and looks up to find everyone staring at her. Sighs.) Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?
Second Zara Employee: What does she want it to say?
First Zara Employee: I don’t know, she never specified.
(The employees begin to nervously murmur “Zara” under their breaths.)
Third Zara Employee: Well, does she seem like she has a sense of humor?
First Zara Employee: Yes, absolutely.
Third Zara Employee: Ok then I have an idea.
(Several minutes later, the first Zara employee emerges from the break room. She is holding the green jacket. On the back, they’ve painted “I’m with stupid” with arrows pointing in every direction).
First Zara Employee: (Nervous) We thought it could be kind of funny, you know, when you’re with your family. I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid.
(Total silence. Even Donald Jr. falls quiet.)
Melania: (Erupts into laughter) Now THAT’S funny.
First Zara Employee: Oh, thank god.
Melania: I really love it. But I still need one for that immigrant thing.
Donald Jr.: What’s an immigrant mommy?
Melania: (Teary-eyed) That’s the first time he’s called me mom.
(Slow fade to black.)
– E. Connors
