See this dude right here? This is Kevin Raja TD ’17. He lives in the suite across from yours, and we’re about 99.7 percent sure that he’s the fucker who’s stealing your toothpaste (the 0.3 percent of uncertainty is because I’ve walked in on that weirdo Eugene a few times, literally squeezing toothpaste into his hands and eating it; it’s very possible that he might have run out of his own by now). You might be wondering, how could Kevin have a great personality if he’s the fucker who’s stealing my toothpaste? Well, you see, Kevin’s story runs a little deeper than the luminal cavities of your now-half- empty toothpaste tube; deeper than the pain filling Eugene’s bitter, lovesick heart; deeper than the solo cup that fuels me as I write this alone in my room at 1 am on a Friday night.
Conversing with me in the dental hygiene section of Walgreens, Kevin opened up about the hidden reason for his kleptomaniac tendencies: he harbors a deep, inexplicable, and overwhelmingly passionate sexual attraction toward toothpaste. “The smooth curves of the tube, the false promises of brilliant white teeth, and the cool, exhilarating feeling in your— specifically your— mouth—they’ve all charmed me more than any woman, man, or animal could ever hope to,” Kevin said, musing between Spearmint and Citrus Blast flavors. That’s another thing as well; there are so many options for Kevin to choose from. “I’m not a prejudiced man; I don’t like to discriminate,” he told me. “From Bubblegum to Grape, I’ve tried them all. I even had a fling with a Bacon-flavored one once–kinky.”
After paying for the toothpaste (he purchased both of them), Kevin walked with me to the nearby dentist’s office. Apparently, he makes appointments every week, and pays for them in full; Dr. Goldberg’s really puzzled. Every time, Kevin makes sure he gets his complementary toothpaste. “Sometimes, I get shit-faced drunk, strip naked, and slather my entire body in the stuff,” Kevin related to me as he sat in the dentist’s chair. Dr. Goldberg’s really puzzled.
Kevin really isn’t sure where his fetish for toothpaste came from, or how the massive amount of toothpaste he’s ingesting every month is affecting his body, but one thing’s for sure to him: other people are neglecting their toothpastes, and he’s putting a stop to that. “Every time I steal someone’s toothpaste, I save them from a lifetime of loneliness and despair (them being the toothpaste). They much prefer being used for my sexual pleasures than for the dental hygiene of my suitemates, especially that Eugene kid.”
And that’s why we’re including Kevin on our list of 50 Best Personalities: for being unafraid to share his true passions, and strong enough to do something about them. We live in a society where it’s all too easy- and encouraged-to hide your true emotions and conform to the norm. We need more people like Kevin around, to show that it’s okay to be different, and okay to be proud of what you love. Not to mention, he has an amazing smile.
–J. Shi
