Breaking: 50% of Americans…

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family praying for soda by Gerber for The Yale Record college humor magazine

A new study says that 50% of Americans drink at least one soda/sugary drink a day. What other activities does half of America engage in daily?

• apply for a job
• be white . . . at least until the 2020 census
• consider the moral and ethical quandaries of existence, and the way nearly every act they engage in, in some way devalues their humanity and sometimes that of others in a small, subtle manner that’s nonetheless tangible and wears upon their soul, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment
• eat cereal out of a hat
• wallow
• talk themselves into the health benefits of a Filet o’ Fish
• yell at dog not to drink toilet water, not move
• drink second soda
• wonder who is better listener, Ben or Jerry
• pee…again
—Staff (Chernicoff, Gandert, Gerber, Klumpp, Thornton)

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