Yesterday, an earthquake rocked the Northeast. What were its effects?
• Gave soft East Coasters taste of daredevil Pacific Rim lifestyle
• 83,000+ panicked, non-retractable marriage proposals
• Finally got the bag of Fritos hanging out of B3
• Beaches crowded with disappointed people waiting to commit tsuicide
• Seismologists become only occupation to post job gains this quarter
• Virginia gets even more Federal money
• meatball sub spilled on khakis at important client lunch
• Granddads and grandsons all along Eastern Seaboard headin’ to the attic and dustin’ off the ol’ Richter to see if there’s a lil’ juice left in ‘er
• Confirmed suspicions of 10% of US that gays will be our undoing
• Gave Malia opening she needed to steal Sasha’s diary, finally read about what slumber parties are like
• Countless tasteless tweets by professional athletes
• Foiled Dr. Claw’s plan at last moment in way that seems like Gadget’s doing
• 23 games of Jenga ended prematurely
• Caused Dr. Ed Patrick, 57, to finally admit once and for all that he should have married the woman he loved, not the woman his parents chose for him
• Freaked shit out of me
—Staff
