I gingerly lean against the uncomfortably wet countertop in my L-dub bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. I fidget with my short-sleeve floral print shirt with three (shoot, maybe I should only do two?) buttons undone. I spray Dior Sauvage on every corner of my body. I excitedly ask my suitemate Mark, “Who is throwing tonight?” This is all so new and different; I don’t usually use such hip lingo… Mark probably thinks I’m so cool. As we walk toward Psi Nu or something, I feel my hesitation grow. I confide in Mark that I’ve never even drunk alcohol, unless you count that little bit in chewing gum.
Mark pats my back — “Don’t worry! People will be playing drinking games; that should help you ease into it.”
Games. I like games. I have 40,000 crowns in Clash Royale. I’m not too bad at Word Hunt. I’m pretty shit at chess. Surely these games will be manageable.
When we arrive at Psi Nu (or is it Chi E Pi?), Mark pulls me to a ping pong table. BEER PONG! I’m good at this one on Game Pigeon. Before I know it, it’s my turn and I’m playing against Anna from my ENGL 114: “Rats and Rodents: Contemporary Discourse” class. She just tied her hair back and started stretching; I’m getting kind of nervous.
Fuck, this is nothing like Game Pigeon. Anna keeps making her shots and I’m literally going balls to the walls. Still, I feel more confident about myself with every drink down. And wow, Anna’s kinda cute… she kinda looks like a common house mouse. In a good way though. Like if we were mice, we’d totally eat cheese together, you know, in like a cute—
“COME, COME, COME” Mark pulls me away from Anna just as I’m about to talk to her and shows me another game on ANOTHER PING PONG TABLE. He says it’s called FLIP CUP. I’ve never even heard of this game before.
I ask Mark to explain it in Game Pigeon terms.
“Oh, uh… it’s like… the hand motion is like the basketball game. Just a little flick.” Damn it. I suck at the basketball game.
Just as I’m starting to feel sorry for myself, Anna stands to my left. She looks so calm and put-together. Much more than me, anyway. I force cheap vodka down my throat, turning away from Anna to gag. As soon as I face her again, she asks, “Have you done that reading? The one about the rats.” I sheepishly grin and shake my head no. She laughs and says, “You should! It’s pretty funny. I love rats. And mice.” Wow. She reads more than 15 minutes before class. She really is better than me.
We keep talking, but then it’s our turn. We go one round… two rounds… three rounds… and… shit. She flips her cup before I do.
The people around the table sing my praises as I gulp down however much beer I’m supposed to.
Honestlyyyyyyy it’s not even that bad. Like. Not that bad. Like. Mark’s probably doing worse. I’m not tipsy. God. I’m locking in. I’m locking…I’m locking in. No. I can’t do this… I have to read about those rats. I need to… lock. I’M LOCKING IN.
Anyways, I’m about to grab anotherrrrrr shot when Mark pulls me aside — I explain I’m A-ok. Like. A-ok. Totally ok. Fine. I’m fine.
He shakes his head and gives me a cup of water. “You need to take a break, bud. You’ve been talking to Anna, right? Look, she’s playing SPIN THE BOTTLE on that ping pong table. That’s not even a drinking game.”
OH MY GOD, ANOTHER PING PONG TABLE!! Spin the bottle. Bottle. Spin. Hm. I ask Mark to relate it to Game Pigeon.
He looks a little confused. “Really? Dude, I dunno. It’s kinda like darts or archery or something. Just try to land… Hm, not land. I guess just aim? Aim for your target. Like… Anna is your target.”
Oh my Goddddd. It’s my turn. I spin the empty Corona bottle. The yard is full of ping pong tables. People are dancing on the ping pong tables. Just bouncing all over the place. Ping pong ping pong ping ping pong but I just keep looking on… at Anna…
The bottle’s facing her. I sober up as if I was just thrown into a cold shower. She grabs my hand and leads me to the basement of the house. A rat scurries past and I yelp nearly jumping into her arms like a cartoon character.
She grins and says, “Those won’t hurt you. You’d know that if you did the readings.” Fuck, maybe I should have read while we were outside… Wait, no, who the hell pulls up the Canvas app during a party?!
Anna looks me in the eyes. “So, the bottle faced me. What do you want to do?”
Fuck. Mark didn’t get to this part. My palms are sweating and I feel myself physically shrinking.
Wait. Anna’s good at games. She can probably help me figure out the next step. I put on my best fuckboy face and turn to her.
“Uh. I’m not sure. Can you explain it to me in Game Pigeon terms?”
–B. Soti
