Gwen: Jessica, hey, hi!

Jessica: Gwen! It’s been forever, how was your spring break?

Gwen: So insane. I went to Puerto Rico and, like, between all the parties and debriefs, the only time I saw the sun was when I was oceanside sipping on a fresh marg. #Takemeback. What about you?

Jessica: I decided to go home. I had some… unfinished business in Akron. 

Gwen: Oh, how cute. Well, we went out every night, stayed up until, like, 2 am, and tried out all these new clubs. Clara kissed a girl. I had a jello shot. Seriously, I still feel hungover. You should have come. 

Jessica: I would have, but y’know, after the incident, it was nice to just overdose on Girl Scout Cookies halfway through the Dune IMAX showing in peace. 

Gwen: Um… incident? Jessica, you know you can be honest with me. I totally kept it a secret when Alicia held hands with Mark in Old San Juan.

Jessica: Well, a few days after break started, I started feeling my Hyperpop Granola Meltdown Tuesday Afternoon Daylist a little too hard, and when Charli XCX’s “Speed Drive” came on I really took her lyricism to heart. I drove past my local T.J. Maxx, and, oh my god, all the Girl Scouts were in a row outside, so I approached them, but they said they had run out of thin mints, like how the fuck do you run out of thin mints, we all know the feminist empowerment outdoorsy BULLSHIT is just a money laundering scheme, anyway. I guess one of the sash-wearing SKANK’S little LESBIAN mother really didn’t like that I called her child a cog in the machine of Big Samoa, and we got in this whole kerfuffle before the mall cop pried us apart. Good thing I still got a double case of Trefoils out of it. All the mom got was a double black eye. 

Gwen: No, Jessica, that’s like really crazy that you did all of that but you don’t even know the beginning. What happens in Puerto Rico stays in Puerto Rico. Kathy even tried a cigarette. 

— G. Cohen