I’m Wendell, proud but humble owner of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™. My products, you see, they’re ascots, but for your fingers. And they’re waterproof, too. My product could really just use the high-profile exposure of a Hollywood blockbuster to make it big.
For some reason, it’s been almost impossible to get my preppy finger scarves much screen time. But I guess that’s why they say, “Show business is tough, but the business of promoting upscale finger accessories in show business is even tougher.” Here are just a few of the eight-thousand movies that suffered from a lack of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™, even if the Hollywood bigwigs didn’t think so.
- Scooby-Doo: Curse of the Lake Monster: Fred laid out the blueprint of a respectable neck ascot wearer. Except, as a New York Times critic noted, he would’ve been even more respectable and undoubtedly would’ve gotten more action with Daphne if he had miniature, matching liquid-resistant ascots adorning his fingers.
- The Hunger Games: The bare-fingered characters in this movie love making weird hippie three-finger peace signs, but they always seem so sullen doing so. Luckily, as the two customer reviews on my Etsy page can attest, Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™ instill an immediate sense of joy and purpose in all wearers.
- The Lord of the Rings trilogy: I knew I had a chance with this movie when I heard the team was looking for a portable and chic finger accessory to structure the trilogy around. The execs at New Line Cinema almost agreed to this deal but pulled out at the last minute to sign with Tiffany & Co instead. Now I have about 20 posters for The Fellowship of the Ascot and nowhere to put ‘em.
- The Silence of the Lambs: One time at the petting zoo my bedazzled finger ascot was chewed straight off my hand by a lamb. After an unfortunate yet swift choking accident, Larry the Lamb became permanently silenced. Despite my product’s clear effectiveness at silencing lambs, for some reason, the film crew never returned any of my several dozen calls.
- Jaws: When I first learned of this movie, I was dismayed to hear of a shark munching on unfashionable beachgoers that contain absolutely no soluble fiber. Not only do our finger ascots remain intact for up to 30 minutes in ocean water, but in the spirit of nourishing our marine life, the fabric is also GMO-free and made from 100% whole-grain oats.
But thanks to our persistence and unshakeable faith in our product, one project finally decided to feature our line. I’m sure you remember all of our scenes in Rocky. That’s right. Stallone was decked out in tiger print finger ascots underneath his boxing gloves the whole time. Our lack of visibility was obviously just a simple oversight on the production team’s part and does not speak to the quality of Wendell’s Waterproof Finger Ascots™.