1. Ethos, Pathos, Logos — Look, you’re in a vulnerable spot here, so why take a risk? You don’t need any fancy tricks; some simple appeals to credibility, emotion, and logic should get you safely back on the boat. Aristotle never had to walk the plank, so maybe if you tried being a little more like him, you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.
  2. Personal Anecdote — The idea of walking the plank can be so abstract to those who haven’t experienced it. Using a personal anecdote can really help put things in perspective for your crewmates, so try and think of a time when you’ve had to walk the plank to help them relate.
  3. Audience Connections — Looping hooks with another pirate establishes intimacy, meaning they have to see you as a person, not just shark bait. This also means if you’re going down, you’re taking one of those fuckers with you. But like, as a friend. 
  4. The Rule of 3’s — This is a classic argumentative strategy; speak in triplets to really drive your point home. Examples could include: “I am hardworking, loyal, and buoyant,” “Planks are outdated, inefficient, and environmentally unfriendly”, and “I’m going to walk back onto the boat in three, two, one.”
  5. Emotional Battery — Oh, two can play this game. Those guys were your friends, and now they’ve turned on you. If they want to be like that, then maybe everyone should know that Captain Swashbuckles only wears that stupid hat because he’s balding, Admiral Scallywag’s parrot has a lisp, and First Mate Puffypants took the name “poopdeck” a little too seriously after he overindulged on cassia in the West Indies.
  6. Seduction — If a manatee looks like a mermaid after a few months on the high seas, then you look like a goddamn supermodel. Strut your stuff and make that gangplank a catwalk to gain favor with the crew.
  7. “I” Statements — Communicating your feelings is super important. Make sure to use phrases like “I feel hurt when you sentence me to death by drowning” and “I get upset when you make me walk the plank right after we looped hooks.”
  8. Who Cares, Free Leg! — Sometimes what you think is a problem is actually an opportunity. You’ve been in the market for a new pegleg for a while now, and lumber isn’t cheap – especially on a boatswain’s salary. So don’t walk the plank – make the plank walk for you!

—D. Alberts