If you are reading this, I empathize with you deeply. I was recently in a similar predicament, unsure of whether or not I was my father’s only son. Perhaps I should have been suspicious when he called me by the wrong name, or when immediately afterward said “wait, that’s my other kid.” Regardless — with my guidance, you’ll be able to pick up on the signs faster than I did.
- If your dad takes a lot of “business” trips to Florida, he may have a secret second family.
- If your father is named Edward (bald, 6’2”), takes a lot of week-long “business” trips to Florida, he may have a secret second family.
- If your name is Michael, and your balding father Edward ( 6’2”, bears a striking resemblance to J.K. Simmons) often takes week-long “business” trips to Florida, he very likely has a secret second family.
- If you are MICHAEL GREENELY of 123 Harkness Blvd., and your dad EDWARD GREENELY (bald, 6’2”, bears a striking resemblance to J.K. Simmons, smells faintly of the Mr. Sketch® cinnamon marker) was in MIAMI last week, 2/07 – 2/11, he almost definitely has a secret second family.
- MICHAEL! GREENELY! Your dad has a secret other family. I cannot be more clear. Your dad, Edward Greenley (bald, 6’2”, looks like J.K. Simmons, smells like the Mr. Sketch® cinnamon marker, unironically refers to women as “the fairer sex”) has another son, and it’s me. You’re the other family. Or I am? Either way, those trips to Florida had nothing to do with business.
- If your dad is explicitly identified by name as having a secret second family in the magazine you’re reading, that bastard has a secret second family.
—M. Elliott
