Have you ever glanced at a bald person? I have. I like ‘em. By and large, they’re good, honest folks. However, I must apologetically insist that they have no business wearing hats. Some have told me that it’s not my place to say that, but if not I, then who? And if not now, then when?

A bald person’s head needs to be exposed. If they’re wearing a fedora, who knows what could be under there, lurking in all that free space? With a hair-headed person, we can say pretty confidently that there’s just some hair. With a bald person, they could be hiding something beautiful—or something terrifying. Either way, I must know what’s under there because, well, that mystery… it haunts me.

Lurking under any bald person’s hat, we might discover a bird’s nest. Or perhaps we would find a goldfish bowl atop a polished noggin. But we won’t find anything as long as it remains concealed underneath a hat, cap, or chapeau. Some may hypothesize—and I believe foolishly so—that they could be up to nothing more sinister than keeping their shiny domes sheltered and styled, but I assure you this conspiracy reaches farther than your haired head could ever imagine. 

I’m not saying that all the beret-donning bald people are inherently dishonest or morally corrupt. But I’m not going to give them a clean bill regarding their candidness either. I won’t try to convince you that they’re serial killers storing bodies up there (they might be, though). In fact, I don’t believe they are. Rather, I just hope to stare in wonderment at whatever little surprise they have waiting for me. 

Wigs, toupees, and the like—I have no qualms with those. There isn’t enough room there for lies. But every time a bald person wears an extra wide-brimmed Panama, they deprive us of our universal right to know the status of someone’s head. That in and of itself—the human right to know—should be enough to convince you to join me in my stance with all the conviction you can muster.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Or perhaps I’m not being nearly harsh enough. Whether bald by genetics or by choice, bald people must deal with the consequences of their hairless life—for the benefit of both bald and haired persons. To quote Abraham Lincoln, “None can be free ‘til each bald head is loosed from the bond of hats.” 

—A. Cramer