When you’re lucky enough to welcome a dog into the family, it’s hard to even imagine the day you’ll finally have to run it over with your car. But when that day comes, weeks or even months down the road, it’s important, as a parent, to be prepared. Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful:


  1. Hit it with your neighbor’s car. That dumbfuck must think he’s in Wichita or something leaving his garage open all day like that.
  2. Make sure your dog is wearing its ThunderShirt. Compound skull fracture can be stressful even for a well-adjusted pooch, making this a great time for the proven calming power of a mild pressure garment.
  3. Type out a cancer diagnosis. Just say it was dying anyway. Maybe put some animal words in there, or use one of those Microsoft Word templates with all the columns.
  4. Tell Simon it was his fault. Kids his age are pretty suggestible.
  5. Don’t overthink it. Remember, the worst that can happen is you get a new dog.

—L. Burch