Don’t get me wrong, Gramps kicking the bucket was real sad, but TBH I’m kinda a fan of all this sick stuff he left me in his will. Mom and Dad may have snagged the house and the car, but I get everything, and I mean everything, from ol’ GPop’s basement.

  • There’s gotta be like a hundred zip ties down here! Think of all the bags I could seal!
  • Not my favorite find, but a bunch of girls’ dresses are down here. One of them has a weird red stain, looks like ketchup. GPop loved ketchup.
  • Besides the dresses, there’s a shitload of old magazines. Grandpa must’ve really enjoyed arts and crafts because each magazine is missing a ton of letters. I can’t find a single D, I, or E left in them!
  • I also found this crazy fancy necklace that spells out “Veronica” in diamonds! I wonder if GPop was hitting that. Goddamn.
  • Woah! One Ziplock bag down here is chock full of blond pigtails. I guess Gramps was collecting hair for Locks of Love. He was the GOAT when it came to philanthropy! What a king.
  • Some high-quality pictures. Most of them seem to be of this one super hot chick. There are red Xs drawn over her face in each picture, but she’s got a bangin’ bod!
  • Is that a bag of fingernail clippings? Damn! I’m going to hide those in my bro Jimmy’s bed and he’s gonna be super freaked. Grandpa loved pranks!
  • There’s an insanely cool huge knife. It’s like a foot long and all authentic-looking. It has a ton of this crusty red-brown stuff on it, but I’ll wash it off. NBD. My friends are gonna be so jealous.
  • The last thing I found was a note from ol’ GPop himself: “Burn everything before they find it, Jason. Veronica had it coming. I’ll see you soon.” What a kook. I’ll see if Dad has any lighter fluid.

Thanks for the dope shit Gramps! This next drink’s to you.

—N. Weiss