Look At All This Dope Shit My Grandpa Left Me!

Don’t get me wrong, Gramps kicking the bucket was real sad, but TBH I’m kinda a fan of all this sick stuff he left me in his will. Mom and Dad may have snagged the house and the car, but I get everything, and I mean everything, from ol’ GPop’s basement.

There’s gotta be like a hundred zip ties down here! Think of all the bags I could seal!
Not my favorite find, but a bunch of girls’ dresses are down here. One of them has a weird red stain, looks like ketchup. GPop loved ketchup.
Besides the dresses, there’s a shitload of old magazines. Grandpa must’ve really enjoyed arts and crafts because each magazine is missing a ton of letters. I can’t find a single D, I, or E left in them!
I also found this crazy fancy necklace that spells out “Veronica” in diamonds! I wonder if GPop was hitting that. Goddamn.
Woah! One Ziplock bag down here is chock full of blond pigtails. I guess Gramps was collecting hair for Locks of Love. He was the GOAT when it came to philanthropy! What a king.
Some high-quality pictures. Most of them seem to be of this one super hot chick. There are red Xs drawn over her face in each picture, but she’s got a bangin’ bod!
Is that a bag of fingernail clippings? Damn! I’m going to hide those in my bro Jimmy’s bed and he’s gonna be super freaked. Grandpa loved pranks!
There’s an insanely cool huge knife. It’s like a foot long and all authentic-looking. It has a ton of this crusty red-brown stuff on it, but I’ll wash it off. NBD. My friends are gonna be so jealous.
The last thing I found was a note from ol’ GPop himself: “Burn everything before they find it, Jason. Veronica had it coming. I’ll see you soon.” What a kook. I’ll see if Dad has any lighter fluid.