RAQQUA—On the night of February 26th, Islamist militant jihadist group ISIS claimed responsibility for the murder of Rafferty Falls Mayor Eoghan O’Connor in a statement broadcast on al-Hayat. 

The report claims, “Under cover of darkness, [their] operatives carried out a swift attack against a major American leader.”

In addition, the group provided justification for the purported attack: “As long as the masses keep their eyes closed to the depravity of O’Connor and others like him in the West, we will continue our necessarily violent campaign against their infidelity.” 

Detective Frank Caruso approached the news about the topic, stating, “the local police are taking this report extremely seriously, and we will not rest, we will leave no stone unturned, until we determine the legitimacy of this claim beyond a reasonable doubt. Alright, well I’m starving. Anyone want to grab a bite to eat?” 

It is unclear why the Salafist Jihadi group would choose the mayor of a rural Middle American town as the figurehead of Western secularism, and they have not identified their supposed operatives. 

Local man Edvard Eriksson said about the attack, “Yeah, ISIS definitely didn’t do it.  But the IRA?  I’d look into those folks.” 

—L. Dunn