I, Ryan O’Halloran, CEO of O’Halloran Puppery and Olympic gold-medalist, write today to address my fellow inhabitants of Rafferty Falls. We are a small town, but we are a proud one. We stand for all that is good and right in this world.

Or at least I thought we did. Mayor Eoghan O’Connor’s push to divert the Rafferty River back to its original path has gone on long enough. This is madness. It simply cannot stand. It reminds me of when Gordie Tremblant tried to beat me out for the gold in cross-country skiing in the 1980 Olympics. While he hung close for a while, I eventually gathered the strength to blow past  him. We must now gather our collective strength and do away with this proposal.

The Falls themselves may be an integral part of our past, but do you really believe that they are more important than my Puppery, the economic heart of this town? The Falls are the past, the Puppery is forever!

The Falls covered up an affair long ago before Rafferty Falls was even incorporated. Need we preserve a hideout for Swedish seductresses and their victims? Instead, let us keep the river where it is because things are great as they are.

Mayor O’Connor is no enemy of mine. He’s a good Irish family man. I respect him. But let me speak firmly when I say that his plan is a disgrace to our town’s good name, which, though it mentions “Falls,” doesn’t mention that the “Falls” are active.

He’s undoing what we’ve achieved? For beauty? That’s noble but antiquated. And just one of many skull-brained moves in a pattern of destruction. We all remember the tower incident.

We need a new leader. Our mayor has lost sight of what is truly best for the people of this town.  That’s just plain wrong, and that’s coming from a plain man. Sure, I have an Olympic gold medal thanks to my dramatic victory over Canadian favorite Gordie Tremblant, but that hasn’t changed me. 

Join the fight for our future! Don’t redirect the River. God bless, and God bless our troops.

— A. Cramer