After the curtain set on Rafferty High’s Rent and the applause finally quieted for Karl Mayörsohn Johansonn’s performance as naked Roger, O’Halloran Puppery CEO and Olympic gold medalist Ryan O’Halloran took to the stage to accept his honorary G.E.D.


O’HALLORAN: What an honor and what a performance! I would just like to say, it’s an inspiration to p see this town back up on its feet after that terrible suicide matter. It means the–


Astrid climbs on stage with Madame on a leash.


ASTRID: I’m sorry to interrupt Mr. O’Halloran, but this will just take a second.


DETECTIVE CARUSO: Well this is most unorthodox! Nothing like any G.E.D. ceremony I’ve ever been to. 


ASTRID: I think I have some information that the good townspeople of The Falls would like to know. I’d like to start by thanking you, Detective Caruso– you missed every relevant detail of the case, but you really got me thinking. And it let me to the realization that the person who murdered, yes murdered, Mayor O’Connor is right here in this auditorium. But beyond just that, this town is full of secrets and lies. 


Charlie Murderer, the only crime you’re guilty of is taking advantage of innocent tourists when you upcharge them 70% for your Watering Hole Sampler during “Rafferty Crawls”.


CHARLIE MURDERER: Hey, a guy’s gotta make a living. It’s not easy for Murderers out on these streets. 


ASTRID: “Old” Oldman Anders, you were notably missing from the crime scene at the Crime Scene, where your trivia domination was thought to be a staple. Receipts have shown that you were getting your prosthetic wrinkles put in. You’re not even fifty! 


SVURKER SKÖL: But you all believed it, didn’t you? That’s the magic of Bitchin’ and Stitchin’ Bar and Grill. Age is just a number and numbers are the devil’s letters.


ASTRID: But the lies don’t end there. Anders, you run a drug ring out of the Rafferty World Twin Tower Replicas. 


ANDERS: Don’t act all high and mighty, I know you take Benny like it’s candy.


ASTRID: Our Mayor, on his mission to remove the Twin Towers endangered your operation and you wanted to take him out. But you didn’t have the guts! 


Now guts, guts brings me to Oskaar Johannson, male librarian, cuck, and expert in ancient Sanskrit. You claimed that you didn’t care about the relationship between the mayor and your wife, Ingrid, the town floozy. 


INGRID: Town bicycle, you impudent bitch!


ASTRID: You famously organize your books in order of most to least Ayurvedic and the first book on the shelf was the Big Book of poisonous Indian plants found north of the Mississippi. You clearly forgot about your open marriage and poisoned the mayor, but never actually dealing a lethal dose.


OSKAAR: I am pretty forgetful. Ingrid says I’d forget my head if it weren’t screwed on so tight.


ASTRID: You probably would. But yours is not the only dirty secret this town holds. The dark underbelly of the Puppery contains an experiment lab, and not just for testing medical products on the runts like we thought. And what better evidence than the Dog Catcher.


She gestures to the Dog Catcher sitting in his own dog-catching cage at the back of the theater (he is a known musical theater fan) next to Charlie Murderer, and the town fulvous Ourang-Outang.


He is the unholy product of selective breeding that blurs the line between man and dog, long since escaped from the Puppery facilities.The boundaries of ethics have been flaunted once again, by none other than you, town hero and Olympic gold medalist Ryan O’Halloran.


O’HALLORAN: I have no idea what you could be on about.


ASTRID: Deny it all you want, I know what you did! I found the vat of mutt pheromones you synthesized to get your protestors to douse the mayor at the Pro-test protest. Then, you told the Dog Catcher to stay off the streets and leave Madame unattended for the sake of tourism. All this, knowing that her sense of smell has been carefully tuned to sniff out half breeds. Don’t even deny it, I have the forensic reports.


O’HALLORAN: So what if it’s all true! You have nothing on me. Sure I gave the O’Connor a little shower, but that’s not a crime. And hey, maybe that shower smelled like a Bernese Yorkadoodle, but there’s nothing wrong with that either. What happened next? Not my problem.


DETECTIVE CARUSO: Fine work, young lady! But unfortunately, O’Halloran’s right. Sanitation’s not a crime in this town, and people get devoured by dogs all the time.


ASTRID: Not a crime, eh? Well then neither is this!


She pulls out a water gun and sprays it at O’Halloran. Madame leaps on stage from the wings and rips into O’Halloran, sending guts and viscera flying. Half the audience cheers.


—C. Rose