STAMFORD, CT –– Animal rights activists celebrated a huge victory on Wednesday in response to Purdue Pharmaceuticals’ announcement that it will stop testing its narcotics on animals, and instead begin using human test subjects. 

Pharmaceutical testing has long been a major point of contention for animal rights activists, who believe that our furry friends should have more rights than human beings. 

“We could not be happier with Purdue’s decision,” said Peter Johnson, spokesman for Bunny Buddies, a trauma recovery center for rabbits and hares,“It’s about time these innocent animals be spared this abuse.” Johnson says his past work has helped the animal rights movement garner victories against big names like M.A.C. Cosmetics, Burlington Coat Factory, and Build-A-Bear, a former children’s taxidermy store. 

However, some human rights advocates are pushing back against Purdue Pharma’s decision, calling out the ethical implications of testing unknown drugs on humans. David Cole, National Legal Director of the ACLU called out Johnson in particular for his “Bitches not Bunnies” proposal that specifically suggested using “overly ambitious women” in clinical trials as opposed to animal test subjects. 

“All I’m saying is that there are some human individuals clearly deserving of this risky scientific experimentation,” argued Johnson in defense, “I’m not going to say that we’re better or more empathetic than you, but we are trying to make the world a better place, you know? In other words, some bitches just gotta be checked.”

A spokesperson for Purdue Pharma and the Sackler family expressed the corporation’s excitement about this new phase of their company history. “We really feel as though this is the way for Purdue to move into the future,” said Samantha Potts. “Our company has a history of caring for the wellbeing of our consumers, and from our experience when it comes to these products, our users can’t get enough.”

The first human subjects scheduled to undergo testing under Purdue’s new plan are Greta Thunberg, Kamala Harris’s niece, and the Clara Barton Middle School girls’ robotics team. 

B. Kubovy-Weiss