KING KANDY: Gloppy, you’ve gotta quit whining every time you move backwards.
[Gloppy, a disgusting mess of brown goo and teeth, whimpers and sneezes.]
PRINCESS LOLI: Nice! A red one. Maybe that’s the pill that’ll get me out of here.
KING KANDY: Shut up and move. I have too many picture cards and can’t play them all.
GRANDMA NUTT (chonking on a pocketful of peanuts): Honey, that’s not how the game works. You can only pick up and play one card at a time.
KING KANDY (slamming his scepter on the ground): Morons! I’m supposed to be the king of this game, but somehow I just can’t figure it out. That’s my castle we’re looking at, and I’m starting to realize that after all that time pent up in there I’ve lost the basic logic skills I need for a game designed for five year olds.
GRANDMA NUTT (heaving a mountain of peanuts onto the table): Out exploring the world for the first time? I guess we’ve always gone to your gardens when you’ve called me over…
PRINCESS LOLI (puking): Dad, is this homewrecking peanut fucker the reason I’ve opened my school lunch in Cupcake Commons to “PB&PB sandwiches” every day?
[Gloppy mops up the vomit with the chubby part of his forearm and grins.]
KING KANDY: Loli, you’re supposed to be (reading game description) “in a cloud of twinkling light, fluttering and happily waving your magical lollipop scepter.” Eat your lollipop and go explore the Woods. Let me focus on figuring out where to pick up my next card.
PRINCESS LOLI: Dad, I’m basically an adult. I waited in the Licorice Lagoon DMV line for three hours just to get my shitty permit picture. I have early-onset spondylosis in L3 from these wings. And I even got excited about those dancing peanut socks you gave me for my birthday…. (to Grandma Nutt) OH you fucker.
GRANDMA NUTT (hurling peanut shells at Princess Loli): Pipe down. Your charming father and I are just getting started. Now let’s see how I can get through this shortcut back to the castle.
[Grandma Nutt swings her basket, accidentally gashing Globby’s head. He smiles, slobbers, and passes out.]
KING KANDY: Alright Nutter, let’s see if I can roll a six to walk over that gumdrop bridge that surely exists.
PRINCESS LOLI: You’re a fucking idiot.
[Gloppy wakes up, sneezes, and starts crying.]
—C. Thorpe
