MASON CITY, IA — Middle-class man Murray Jenkins was left speechless this morning after he saw a new TV in the Cartwrights’ living room across the street. 

“Well I’ll be damned,” commented Jenkins, “Cartwrights’ dealership must’ve had a heck of a month for him to afford that beauty. They say the bend makes it seem like the actors are right there in the room with ya’.

Jenkins now hopes to be able to go over and watch the big game at the Cartwrights this Sunday. 

“Well, I’ve got a good ole’ Sony X80, a fine TV mind you. Even got that new 4K LED picture you’re always hearing about on the adverts. But she just doesn’t compare to the picture quality you’ll get over at Cartwrights.” 

However, some are more displeased with this situation than Jenkins. 

“That hussy Mary Cartwright knew exactly what she was doing buying that new TV,” stated Lisa Jenkins, the wife of Murray Jenkins.“Just the other day I was talking to her and the girls about having a wine and cheese night at my place so we could watch ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’ on our perfectly good Sony X80 TV, but now she’s gone and made sure she has the best TV on the block! I tried to tell Murray that if we’re gonna be hosting girls night then we need to upgrade our TV to make sure it has one of those fancy curves.” 

Murray, however, dismissed Lisa’s ask immediately.

“Listen, I told her whaddya think I am, made of money? This stuff doesn’t just grow on trees, Lisa. The Sony is a perfectly fine piece of machinery. Besides, I don’t see why she can’t just start having ladies night at the Cartwrights. It would sure save me a lotta headache, plus I’d finally get to watch NCIS: Hawaii live instead of having to record it and watch it the next night.” 

Murray and Lisa’s son, Matt, is the most excited by this new development.

“Me and Jake [Cartwright] like to take shrooms and watch “Robot Chicken” at his place, so now it’ll be even trippier because it’s basically in 3D.”

Lisa was not thrilled about Jake’s comment.

“Murray, tell your son to stop publicizing the illegal drugs he takes all over the Internet. I mean seriously, Matt, how are you ever gonna get a job if they know you’re a criminal drug offender.” 

“Lisa I’ve told you I have no control over the boy. He’s 26 years old for God’s sake.” 

The Cartwrights were unavailable for comment as they were too busy watching Michael Strahan’s teeth gap on the curved part of their TV. 

—A. Berke