Reason 1: Dad got caught in traffic, which has delayed his return by several weeks.

Reason 2: Dad has transitioned to crack after looking for healthier alternatives to nicotine. His skin has never looked better!

Reason 3: Dad’s smoking-induced mouth tumors have become sentient, and he has given them names. Welcome Walter, Kevin, Bob, Dave, Stuart, and Josephina to the family!

Reason 4: Kevin, an especially feisty tumor, is taking up a lot of dad’s time and energy right now, so he’s gonna be a bit late.

Reason 5: Dad got sidetracked and accidentally started a new family.

Reason 6: Walter, another one of dad’s tumors, is now controlling dad like the rat from Ratatouille.

Reason 7: Dad is taking a gap year from being a dad so he can “find himself” in Lima, Peru.

Reason 8: Walter and dad are now facing seven counts of vehicular manslaughter and three counts of drug trafficking. Walter is a bad influence.

Reason 9: Dad left because he couldn’t handle the pressure of being a father. He tried for a few years—making peanut butter sandwiches, driving the kids to school, working a 9 to 5 job—but it always felt like a pantomime, like he was going through the motions of a life that he could never truly live, all to stay with a wife who doesn’t love him anymore and an ungrateful snot factory of a kid. So he lied through his teeth about cigarettes because he was too chickenshit to say goodbye and then disappeared without another word.  

Reason 10: Dad got sidetracked and is now looking for milk.

—A. Mayagoitia