Esteemed Alumni Association Members,

With the 2021-22 school year already beginning, preparations are fully underway to transition away from Zoom and resume in-person activities. As we all know, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought many challenges, but it brings us great joy to deliver a report on how our student body has adapted. We have collected data on students’ academic performance and living conditions through Librex confessions, YouTube vlogs, and the unfortunate moments in which they forget to turn their cameras off during class. We hope that this report provides you with enough confidence in our COVID-19 adaptations to donate a paltry million dollars out of the goodness of your heart, or for the tax write-off––whatever works.

  1. Students Are Learning At An All Time High 

With classes moving to online platforms, academic performance has skyrocketed. Scores have increased a remarkable 30% since we moved all exams online, and an additional 10% since we stopped requiring browsers that block out Yahoo! Answers during exams. So that students can continue learning away from their desks, professors have opted to make lectures into podcasts. This way students can take the classroom with them on walks, mindless Tik Tok scrolling, and potty breaks!

Working from home has also allotted students more flexibility in their lifestyles. Wiping off eye boogers and wearing real pants have become formalities of the past. The innovative students who have best adapted to remote learning Zoom in from their beds — which they do not leave for days at a time — and as a result have attained perfect attendance for the semester!

2. Our Resource Allocation is More Efficient Than Ever Before

Despite concerns that our institution has become a ghost town, we have been able to make meaningful use of our facilities. Lecture halls are being rented out as storage units for students on gap years, and residential college courtyards are reserved for children’s birthday parties. We are now hiring faculty under three-month contracts—just enough time for them to create a unique course and record all their lectures, before we lay them off and reuse the recordings indefinitely. Our administration is even advocating that the university grant every student a Masterclass subscription in lieu of seminar courses! Faculty who wish to extend their contracts may choose to manage the Handsome-Dan-shaped bounce houses for our children’s party service. See for yourselves what a hit this service is—children of alums receive our exclusive Danny Pup Party package for just $5,000 plus $1,000 per faculty member who attends dressed as Elihu Yale.

3. Students Are Forming Their Communes–– And Scamming Us While Doing It                

When classes became remote, students were asked to roll up their LED lights, stack their hidden racks of booze, and fold their “Saturdays are for the Boys” flags into cardboard boxes. Their sad, sober little bodies were shoved back into childhood bedrooms, under the care of helicopter parents. As expected, our inventive students have found a way out–– when they couldn’t justify a trip to Italy on Yale’s dime, they rented an Airbnb with their friends instead!

Countless students have rented Airbnbs in sites such as Austin, Texas, Cheaper-Than-Campus, Wisconsin, or even Who-Cares-About-The-Epicenter, New York. There have even been students willing to traverse the Pacific Ocean to visit Hawaii, and the stimulating effect on the economy has been astounding. Look no further than the island’s substantial increase in hospital attendees!

Students have realized that living in Nowhere, AK turns out to be cheaper than paying for dorms and meal plans, which is where we come in. Student Financial Services has been working tirelessly to fabricate fees such as the “Canvas maintenance at 11:59 when your paper is due” fee, the “Buy your own COVID tests even though we receive them from the government for free” fee, and the “Let’s plant 50,000 tulips everywhere for no goddamn reason” fee. Even with all these fees, we’re running out of places to leech money from! Without your support, we will no longer have the resources to convince students that living in dusty, centuries-old dorms while talking to their laptop screen truly is worth the full price of tuition!

We hope that this update demonstrates our dedication to our students, and reaffirms to you that Yale University is a worthwhile investment. We value having similar values as our Alumni, who value values, especially if those values involve giving us more money.

We appreciate your money—I mean, business––I mean, we thank you for your generosity,

The University Board of Trustees.

— R. Chipi