Dearest Suitemates,

I pray this letter finds you in good health. If you are reading this I am likely already dead. It is my greatest regret that I may not be joining you in Welch C23, but alas it seems my end is nigh. Our food supply is running dangerously low, and I can feel the grips of a harsh winter setting in. I can feel my body surrendering to the elements as the furs I cover myself in can no longer carry me through the night. Sarah in Trumbull is already displaying signs of consumption, and I fear the rest of us are not far behind.

Our FOOT group leader, Chad, suggested that we shorten our journey to New Haven from the Berkshires by travelling through the uncharted wilderness of Massachusetts. After trekking through the difficult terrain of the suburbs, we found ourselves hopelessly lost with only our compass and the night sky to guide us. Our resources had grown scarce. To make things worse, Stephen from Benjamin Franklin, driven mad from starvation, attempted to steal our scarce supplies of GORP. Chad, in a wild rage, plunged his Swiss army knife into the chest of the unassuming junior. That night, we both rejoiced and despaired as we feasted on a food source that was not GORP.

We now find ourselves deep in the wilderness, running from the law and the impending winter. I have written to you before to say that, being from California, I am “so not ready for Connecticut winter lol,” and it seems my trials and tribulations have already begun. Our oxen are weakening, so we have buried many of our personal possessions to lighten the load. Just this morning, Jason from Ezra Stiles passed away from malnutrition. I regret to say that his lifeless corpse was our dinner and his Princeton Model Congress sweatshirt another blanket to stave off frostbite.

We have now set up camp, hoping desperately for rescue, but know that our chances are slim. We have been drinking water from the Connecticut River, and it seems we have contracted dysentery. The end is near, Sarah is getting weaker by the minute, and I hope you will forgive me for what we must do.

Can’t wait to meet you all in person!

Boola Boola,
Edwin Reed
Davenport College ‘25

—D. Kulmizev