1. Accidentally misdirecting campaign funds for the important swing state of Florida to the New England suburb of Florida, Massachusetts.
  2. Somehow managing to kill over 200,000 Americans, surpassing the coronavirus death toll under the Trump administration and turning off utilitarian voters.
  3. Letting Joe Biden continue to play “Despacito” at all future campaign events in an effort to win over his “fellow amigo brothers.”
  4. Running a wildly successful voter information campaign that tells millions of Democrats to get out there and vote on Wednesday, November 4th.
  5. Announcing an early, unprovoked resignation from the race as they could no longer handle the pressure.
  6. Releasing a viral TikTok of Biden wiggling his ashy buttocks to show that he’s “just like you.”
  7. Allowing Republicans in Congress to pass a new bill outlawing the possession of stamps, letters, envelopes, and paper.
  8. Attempting to turn Texas blue by running a targeted ad campaign featuring a shirtless Joe Biden gleefully firing an AK-47 off his mud-splattered four-wheeler.
  9. Moving the entire party to San Francisco and declaring their secession from the Union.
  10. Attempting to increase young voter turnout by building Blockbusters and disco floors at voting booths in key battleground states.
  11. Mailing classified party documents to a Nigerian prince with an IP address in Vladivostok.
  12. Giving Joe Biden the password to his Twitter account.
  13. Bravely boycotting the Electoral College by instructing all Democratic electors not to cast their votes this year.
  14. Focusing all campaign resources on turning the vertically adjacent red states of North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, and Kansas blue, in hopes of achieving Connect Four.
  15. Letting Joe Biden speak directly to the public.
  16. Mistakenly directing $500 million into the 1982 video game “Super Pac-Man” in a damning misinterpretation of how the Super PAC system works.
  17. Attempting to turn Tennessee blue by coming on to undecided voters with the pickup line, “Are you from Tennessee?”
  18. Letting Joe Biden out of his house.
  19. Failing to open field offices in the key battleground state of Michigan. 
  20. Running a 77-year-old Joe Biden as nominee for President of the United States.

—C. Greene