NEW HAVEN, CT—Last week, several students reported seeing Yale President Peter Salovey reclining in a lawn chair on Cross Campus next to a sign reading: “~Krystals~ ~and~ ~Chakra~ ~Purification~.”  The news comes after Salovey’s trip to a San Diego conference entitled Some Young People are Smarter Than You; Connecting with Millennials in Higher Education.

There had been much speculation on Salovey’s mental state before the conference, but after returning from San Diego, it seems that things are looking up. According to a Good Life Center survey of 3000 students, 87% felt “reassured” about his state of mind after hearing him speak about how “aging is really just a microcosm of life as a whole.” 

“I appreciate what he’s trying to do,” said Jared Salinger ’23. “But I think it will be hard for students to respect him after seeing him shirtless.”

Dean of Yale College and Richard M. Colgate Professor of Psychology Marvin Chun disagreed, saying he thought the large chest tattoo of a veiny snake phallically strangling the word ‘Regret’ was “a bold move that reminded me not only how much President Salovey cares about connecting with students, but also how underneath those grey suits and advanced degrees, there is an absolutely shredded body overflowing with virility.” 

Maya Franklin, a sophomore in Grace Hopper college, said “I was actually interested in purchasing some crystals for my room, but when I asked how much they cost, President Salovey grabbed me by the collar and whispered ‘Money is a meaningless tool used to measure the value of our lives with no inherent worth and if you spend your life in the pursuit of consumerism you will wind up miserable.’ Then he laughed nervously and loudly added, ‘And also, Karl Marx is Daddy AF.’ As I was walking away, he asked me if I’d ever tried CBD oil.”

—L. Del Alamo