NEW HAVEN, CT – After spending two whole semesters unsuccessfully deciding on a major, Gary Gold ‘22 has finally determined to follow his heart and do what he does best: apply for things.

“You know, I’ve realized my true passion in life is applying,” Gold announced in a phone conversation with his parents last Thursday. “And that’s why I’m applying for EP&E. It even requires a cover letter! How quaint!” Gold failed Intro Economics last semester after he turned in his Yale CommonApp essay instead of the final exam. 

The news came as a shock to Gold’s his parents, who always thought his childhood dream was to be a doctor. Gold took to Twitter to explain his choice. “Every human is born with one true passion. Once we discover this passion, doing anything else would be a crime. I’m just born to apply,” Gold wrote. “And besides, the med school application is two whole years away, while I can apply to EP&E as soon as, uh, NOW?? So just let me do what I love, okay? Jesus, Mom.”

Gold applied to twenty-seven colleges throughout his senior year of high school and has spent the past two years scouring the internet for more opportunities to apply to things. After being rejected from a Goldman Sachs internship, sperm bank, the CVS rewards program, and, most recently, his local public library, Gold has been feeling discouraged.

“I can’t believe they didn’t accept my bomb-ass SAT score for the ‘What is your age:’ part of the application, and I thought AT LEAST my experience as debate club treasurer would fulfill the ‘favorite books you read this summer’ prompt, but I guess what they say is true: getting your library card renewed really is just a crap-shoot these days,” Gold said. “I just hope the Environmental Private Equity major turns things around for me.” 

When asked to comment on Gold’s situation, EP&E’s Director of Undergraduate Studies Peter Swenson said,  “Well, he meets none of our usual criterion for the major, and he’s failed almost every class he has taken, but he wrote a damn good essay about the Amazon rainforest and private equity, or something.”

At press time, Gold was spotted collecting informational brochures on Global Affairs.

—R. Ofman