It’s 2:54 AM and you’ve got a comp sci final due tomorrow. And you’re far from finished. Your stupid Mac is running slow, and you’re so frustrated that you never want to see it again. Worst of all, you’re hungry, but you don’t want to go to GHeav because you’ll start publicly wailing in the store if you see Josh.

This Applesauce recipe gives you the soothing late-night comfort food you need on this sad night. In no time, your hunger will be gone, as will your computer science final.

¾ cup water
¼ cup sugar
½ tsp ground cinnamon
1 fresh 15” Apple MacBook Pro with Retina 5K display

Peel off the screen protector from the Mac, and then peel off the screen itself. Chop off the trackpad. Use a utility knife to dice what’s left into 1” cubes.

In a saucepan, combine the Apple cubes, water, sugar, and cinnamon. Cover, and cook over medium heat for 15-20 minutes or until you can’t bear the smell of melting plastic.

Let the mixture cool for 10 minutes. Then, take a potato masher and mash forcefully until the texture is smooth. When you can stick a fork in and not get electrocuted, your Applesauce is ready to eat.

For garnish, crack the charger and sprinkle its contents onto the Applesauce. Serve warm.


—R. Mirchandani