Amidst new revelations that at least eight people attended a June 2016 meeting between Russian agents and Donald Trump, Jr., Steve Bannon has reported feeling blindsided and “totally dubbed” that he wasn’t asked to join the gathering.
“Experiencing major FOMO rn,” Bannon told reporters after learning that the talk involved a larger group than previously believed. “Don told me he was just having, like, a chill get-together with some of his Kremlin buddies who I would probably find lame. Now I find out that it was basically an open house. Even Kushner was there. I’ve been colluding with foreign governments since before that douchebag could talk.”
Bannon’s colleagues have rebuffed his attempts to learn more about the rendezvous. “I’m pretty sure there’s a private group chat where they all agreed to keep quiet,” Bannon posited. Even President Trump has attempted to spare his advisor’s feelings, unconvincingly claiming that he had not known about the campaign-related meeting occurring just one floor below him in Trump Tower.
In response to the snub, Bannon plans to host a secret gathering of his own with just “me, Jeff Sessions, and Steve Miller. No cucks allowed.” Bannon said he intends to “find someone bad-ass to collude with, like Belarus or Crimea.”
Still, Bannon said, it will take a long time for the sting of this rejection to fade. “It would be easier to swallow if they thought I would report the meeting or raise some kind of ethical objection. But why would anyone think I’d do that?” Bannon griped. “I mean, have they met me?”
At press time, Bannon was seen opening a text message from Mike Pence, only to leave the Vice-President on seen.
—N. Amsel
