Dear Pre-2016 Self,

Heyo. I know things have been rough recently. Don’t worry, though. I’ve literally been in your shoes. Also in your musky, sensual cargo pants. I am you, remember? From the future. I just wanted to give you some advice for the year ahead.

Learn from your mistakes

Pretty soon you’re going to screw up big time and everyone you know and love will be violently killed. Why? The why doesn’t matter, but it involves thousands of Prius owners demanding free milkshakes. There’s no point in trying to prevent this, so make sure you take it as a valuable learning experience, like when you accidentally took your cousin to prom.

Just be yourself

The aliens will crawl in through your ear canal and try to take control of your body. There are only two ways to retain control: using all the brainpower you can muster to fill your mind with an expansive love that no worldly creature or force can overcome, or earplugs.

Always wear your rabbits foot

The rabbit invasion will be tough, but keep in mind that not all the rabbits act as aggressively as Snuffles and Mr. Whiskers. After the invasion, many civilian rabbits will fear slave humans wearing their mutilated purple appendages.

Wigwams are not effective means of shelter!

This is important.

A penny saved is NOT a penny earned

A penny saved is the same amount of money that you had before. Don’t be confused. If anything, spend all your pennies on carrots. You can use these to trade for goods and services after rabbit takeover.

Put one foot in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor! Put one foot in front of the other, And soon you’ll be walking out the door!

Convert to Zoroastrianism ASAP

It turns out these guys were right all along. Also, Ahura Mazda is a bro. The return of the dead will be pretty chill, for at least a couple months, as a long as you’re a solid wingman for Ahura. I would start looking around now for female historical figures who might be interested in hooking up with a sexy, all powerful being.

Live each day as if it were 324-n days away from being your last’

Here, “n” refers to the number of days after you receive this letter.



—A. Ringlein