So, like, a while back Tommy J and his top dudes started this country. And, thing was, they wanted it to be so free! AND ERRYBODY WAS GON’ BE AS GOOD AS ERRYBODY.

But now the South has its hoop skirt all up in a twist and is totally party fouling this beautiful nation. Well guess what? It’s war time, baby. And we’re here to call dibs on this field for the people who have already kicked the bucket. Bet everyone’s super uncomfortable now, aren’t they? Like, considering all the gnarly corpses and such? TOO BAD. This is the right thing to do. Have some respect, bro.

But let’s get philosophical, guys. We can’t make this ground special. Because the dead guys under us already did…and we can’t screw that up. I mean, people are totally going to blackout on this speech like Stephen Douglas at DKE last night, but they’re not going to blackout on what happened here. It was just too real. So like, I think we should do the dead dudes a solid and continue the cause. ’Cuz even though they’re dead, it’d be so chill if something good could come of this total bummer. And…this country…is going to be like a NEWBORN SOFT-BUTT BABY. And our super-tight government WILL LIVE FOREVAAAAAAAA.

Peace Out Girl Scouts,

Your ‘Lil Baby Abey

—A. Mansfield