The hundreds of Yale bumper stickers covering every
window of our Toyota Camry, which remind us of
your accomplishments every time we get pulled over
by a confused police officer.

The subscription we bought to the Yale Daily News. We
never allow ourselves to read it, because we don’t
want to intrude on your privacy. Instead, we burn
each paper in our fireplace, quietly chanting your
name until every page has become ash.

We’re making your brother sleep on the couch so that
you can use his bed whenever you decide to return.
In fact, you’ll probably need to use your brother’s
bedroom, because we replaced all the furniture in
your room with a life-sized statue of Peter Salovey
kissing you on the forehead.

We sold your brother’s possessions to buy a life-sized
Handsome Dan costume that your mother wears
every day when she goes to work.

The hundreds of Yale bumper stickers we’ve attached to
every article of clothing your brother owns, so that
every time he goes to the mall, all the shoppers will
look at him and think about Yale, and, by extension,
you, our beautiful child.

If you ever make a friend at Yale, we will kill their
parents and adopt them into our family so that you
can bring them home with you for Winter Break. We
will be so excited to see you again!


—A. Gertler