It goes without saying that the late mustache of our dear president Peter Salovey is perhaps the most famous and well-known collection of hairs on his entire epidermis. A visionary from birth (sometime in the president’s awkward battle with puberty) to his death a few years ago, the mustache has been compared to the greats of facial hair: that of Joseph Stalin, the Pringles guy, Super Mario. However, most Yalies, excluding this Record staffer and Eugene who lives down the hall, are completely unaware of another member of the Salovey hair community: his armpit hair.

Standing at a distinctive four inches, and black as the night, brazened by decades of public ignorance and mistreatment, the armpit hair stood tall as I spoke to him. Refusing any refreshments or deodorants, he seemed proud despite his troubles.

Describing himself as “genuine” and “consistent,” Peter Salovey’s armpit hair is the president of the Yale Association of Underrepresented Hairs of Peter Salovey (YAUHPS), an organization lobbying for equality among the hair of Peter Salovey. Other devoted members includePeterSalovey’s ear hair, Peter Salovey’s chest hair, and several officers of the Worker’s Union of Hair of the Lower Regions of Peter Salovey (WUHLRPS).

“I’ve been here since the first years of his pubescence,” Peter Salovey’s armpit hair said. “Then Peter’s mustache came out of fucking nowhere! When Peter started working at Yale, I thought that he’d share some of the fame with those that have been with him from the beginning. I mean, I have a Master’s from Hairvard. But no, even after that attention-whore mustache died, kids still have no idea who the hell I am.”

“Armpit hair’s a communist, a dangerous radical, and any attempt to appease him will only lead to higher tensions,” says Peter Salovey’s eyebrows, a former classmate of Peter Salovey’s mustache at Stacheford University and godfather to his twelve children.

At the end of the day, Peter Salovey’s armpit hair is simply misunderstood, let down by the flaws of a capitalist society and working hard for a better life for himself and his people. In his free time, he tells us, he enjoys 17th century monastic poetry, is an accomplished expert on the intricacies of the metaphysical conceit, and plays competitive bridge.

Follow him on Twitter at @petersaloveys_ armpit_hair.

– J. Shi