Cosmopolitan: How to please your SUPERHERO
So you’ve landed a superhero? Congrats. But let’s be honest: he’s
got biceps the size of Algeria, a chiseled jaw line, and (obviously)
superpowers. We know, we know, you’re thinking: “What do I
have?” (Other than a massive shoe collection…) Don’t worry:
here are 8 tips to help you KEEP him.
1 Don’t be jealous when he
uses his X-Ray vision to
check out other women
on the street.
Don’t expect him to understand
why this behavior is wrong. He’s
used to doing whatever the fuck
he wants and being thanked by
society for it; he will get nervous
and possibly violent if he feels like
you’re keeping him on a leash, so
play it cool.
2 Don’t be mad when he
accidentally kills your
corgi while playing tug-
of-war with it.
I mean, part of the reason you
like him is for his super-human
strength, right? And his reckless,
devil-may-care attitude? There are
plenty more dogs that need to be
adopted from shelters, and it was
selfish of you to have a purebred
3 Don’t roll your eyes when
he complains that his
tights don’t make his
package look good.
Tell him his package always
looks good, but don’t dismiss his
concern: offer to help him shop for
tights that better complement it.
4 Don’t dress up as Cat-
woman for Halloween.
Superheroes are like celebri-
ties: they tend to go after their
own kind. There’s a decent chance
the real Catwoman is that crazy
woman who left all the claw-
mark-shaped scars on his back.
Plus you wouldn’t look as good in
black spandex as she does.
5 Don’t be mad when he
shreds your $900 lace La
Perla bustier to pieces.
You’re boning a superhero.
You don’t get to complain about
his total disregard for your posses-
sions. You’re boning a superhero.
And yeah, you should probably
move the Tiffany lamp off the
6 Pay attention to which
villain is “That Stupid Son
of a Bitch” and which one
is “That Goddamn Sack of
He may not have time to learn
your friends’ names, but that
doesn’t mean you’re allowed to
mix up his nemeses. Be sure to
check out our website for study
tools to help you memorize who’s
who (there’s a double pack of
purple glittery flashcards for only
7 Get the “Where’s My
Hero?” App for your
Apple technology now enables
communication between the GPS
of your hero’s invisible flying car
and the GPS inside your iPhone,
allowing you to view the exact
location of your Superhero at any
given moment. This will help you
know when to put dinner on the
table (no hero likes a cold pot
roast) and what exact moment to
cover yourself in whipped cream.
8 Act as helpless as you can.
Superheroes have no use for
strong, independent, competent
women. (Why do you think he
dumped Catwoman?) So make
sure to dumb yourself down,
frequently objectify yourself,
and speak only when spoken to.
Remember: it’s all about him.
Writing: R. Williams | Design: W. Song