Dear President Obama,
Will you pass a law that says my
mommy can’t send my dog Petey away
to some farm?
—Timmy, age 6

Dear Timmy,
No. I wouldn’t have enough
Republican votes in the House. If I
tried to sign an executive order instead
I would just be bombarded with more
attacks about government overreach.
And even if there were a way to get him
back, I realistically speaking wouldn’t
have the energy for it. Petey is probably
dead anyways. If only I were so lucky.
—President Obama, who really
at this point should probably see a
psychiatrist or something