Ah! So you wish to learn the Ninja’s Methods of Vanishing? Listen carefully, for I, a certified ninja, am about to tell you the top eight ninja tips for remaining unseen in any situation.
- Don’t go out — As Sun Tzu, who was probably a ninja, once said, the greatest victory is that which requires no battle. If you never leave your dojo (sweaty dorm room) you will certainly remain unseen. Unfortunately, sometimes victory requires you to make excursions into the outside world. Fear not! That is what the rest of this list is for.
- Wear what everyone else is wearing — Stealth is key for the ninja, so it pays not to stand out in a crowd. By ensuring you wear the most generic and unremarkable clothing possible, you recede into the background, ready to strike from the shadows at any moment. When in doubt, remember: black is the new black. Never wear any T-shirts, jewelry, or even socks that could feasibly start a conversation. Speaking of which:
- Don’t initiate conversations — Ninjas are silent, and ideally, you should be too. At any social event, blend in by standing around and doing nothing, just like a ninja. Occasionally check your phone to make it clear that you’re not waiting for someone to come up and talk to you, and you will be as the darkness: invisible.
- Don’t introduce yourself — Found yourself in the middle of a group of people talking? Not to worry! You can often remain functionally unseen and near-certainly unremembered by simply never contributing at all. It’s like you were never even there.
- Exclusively consume the media of the masses — Ensure you’re up to speed on the Twitter issue of the week, the current fad TV show, and of course the most recent Marvel movie. That way, if you are caught in a conversation, you can easily blend in like a cultural chameleon. You don’t even need an opinion; just asking “Wasn’t the last episode of Squid Game crazy?” is perfectly fine. Never mention any of your actual interests. Not only would that blow your cover, it would be totally embarrassing!
- Act bored — As Sun Tzu, who I have now been informed was not a ninja, once said, the best way to bore others is to act bored yourself. If you act as though you do not care about the enemy, then the enemy will get all frustrated. This is great, because then the enemy will leave and you can go back to being a wallflower. A ninja wallflower!
- Secret Method of the Ever-Imperceptible Warrior — Tell me, pupil, have you ever left your house and then realized you forgot something? Had an inside joke with your friends? Narrowly avoided an injury? If you said yes to any of these, congratulations—you are one of the chosen few capable of wielding the Secret Method of the Ever-Imperceptible Warrior, also known as The Boring Story. The method is harsh, but simple. Regardless of the current topic of conversation, suddenly say, “that reminds me of the time I almost burned my hand,” then make sure to tell them all about it completely out of chronological order and with no buildup whatsoever to the climax. If done correctly, you can permanently lose the interest of anyone in a 10 foot radius.
- Just be yourself
—B. Hollander-Bodie
