My husband Edward sucks. He cannot function without me around. Yesterday when I was making dinner, I asked him to dice one onion. I turn around, and seconds later there’s blood everywhere. He probably would’ve bled out and died if I wasn’t there to seal his wound with my hot glue gun.
Same goes for my kids. One time I left them alone with my favorite box of matches. When I got back two hours later, those little fuckers had sold my matches on Facebook Marketplace. And don’t get me started on how clueless they get when I lock them in a car on a hot summer’s day. It’s like they need me to be with them all the time. You’re four and six, respectively—go get a job!
I used to spend more time with the husband and the boys, but it’s been too much lately, especially since I have a secret second family. For months, I had to hide my pregnancy from my husband. That guy is such a goddamn softie. He’d probably cry if he found out I was secretly mothering another man’s kids. What a wuss.
So I avoided Edward and the boys for several months, telling them I was at a moms’ retreat in the Berkshires. When I finally came back, Craddox had broken his arm, and Jabber had missed his tetanus shot and gotten “a serious bacterial infection that causes painful muscle spasms and can lead to death.” It was then that I realized how dependent these dipshits are on me.
My other family is another story. My newborn son Jabber 1 is now two years old. I thought he would be a better embodiment of the name than my other son Jabber, who I’ve since renamed Jabber 2, and boy has he delivered. I left him alone in a hot car one time, and that clever son of a gun figured out how to break the window. He also does this little trick where he puts a plastic bag over his head and dances around for me. He’s so cool.
I wish I could dedicate all my time to Jabber 1 (New Jabber), especially because he shows so much more promise than the old one. But it turns out having a secret second family is not all sunshine and rainbows. I constantly have to go back and forth between families, and I think my husband is catching on. Last week he said to me, “Every weekend can’t be moms’ weekend.” Thank God he was on dinner duty that day; he passed out again from blood loss and forgot the whole thing.
Anyway, if you’re thinking about starting a second family make sure you’ll have enough time and energy. It might have been easier if Edward and Craddox and Jabber 2 were stronger men, but I’ve been dealt a pack of weaklings. Without me, both of my families would fall apart.
I guess it never really occurred to me, but it’s about time I admitted it. I’m a great mom.
—K. Walsh
