Affidavit From The Town Aesthetician

Everyday I go into the workplace that I dreamed into existence, Bitchin’ and Stitchin’ Bar and Grill, with the goal of making all the uggos in town a little less uggo. Everyone knows beauty is work, and here in Rafferty Falls, it’s my work. This town is chock-full of disgusting people, but the rare chiseled chin, high cheekbone, and elegant pinky finger you see is my work. Svurker Sköl’s wörk!

But you came here asking about my patients and I’ll get to the point. There’s been a murder, and my thoughts, memories, hopes, and experiences are crucial to informing you about your suspects. My work suits many needs. People’s faces need to match their souls. Some souls are old, rumpled, and worn, like a used tissue. For those faces I add folds, deepen cavities, and paint the beautiful strokes of age. Here at Bitchin’ and Stitchin’ and Bar & Grill, we are user-oriented, making sure every client is served fresh hot Burgerström and Friesströms with Ketchupströms before their operations. 

Old Anders is a regular here! He turns up weekly for Wrinkling Addifications. Adding wrinkles, while not quite as popular as  removing them, is an intimate process between an esthetician and patient. His face started smooth and fresh–a ripe mango before I got my paws on it. I hold his supple face gently in my hands and carefully carve out each extra crease. I pleat that beautiful forehead till it looks as scrumptious as a Myrobalan Prune and I can barely keep myself from sucking on it.

But by far the regularest of my regulars is the one and only Dog Catcher. Dog Catcher comes by twice a week to relax under my ministrations. I shave off the copious, thick hair that seems to grow all over that muscled body. I scrape up and down his sculpted hunches and stony pecs with deft hands. Did you know Dog Catcher originally had an extra appendage- a tail of sorts- above his rock-hard buttocks? I spent days carefully sanding down that nub till that area was smooth as glass. His ears were oddly large and floppy, but I solved that problem quickly with some strong glue and days spent gazing down at his sexy head.

 So, next time you look in the mirror and hate what you see, come on down to Bitchin’ and Stitchin’ Bar and Grill. Come forth and let me chisel beauty from your hideous form (not covered by insurance but Burgerströms are half-off with Wrinkle Addification). 

—N. Weiss