The Federal Dog Administration has opened an investigation into last Monday’s sauerkraut tanker explosion, 5 miles off the City coastline.
The now-sunken Sauer Devauerer is leaking an estimated 400,000 hotdog-litres of fermented cabbage into the Atlantic Ocean per hour, and condimentologists say the acidic cabbage juices, while delicious on a fresh Frank Dog, could be harmful to “sea creatures with a less refined palate.”
Workers on the tanker have accused the Müller family – the owners of the Superlecker-Kraut Kompany, which operates the Sauer Devauerer – of replacing the steel walls with raw pretzel dough in order to cut back on spending. The switch appears to have compromised the structural integrity of the tanker.
Notwithstanding an environmental disaster, sauerkraut hardliners are unmoved . One such “kraut-Fanatiker” Jeffrey Johnson said, “Sauerkraut has always been the bad boy of the hot dog condiment landscape, so I don’t necessarily see this whole thing as a problem.”
Asked to comment about the unfolding events, the company’s CEO and patriarch of the Müller dynasty, Vater Müller, responded: “Was ‘Spill’? Das ist falsch. Das ist Relish bull-scheisse!”
At press time, the Relish family refused to respond to accusations of their involvement.
– S. Almogy
