Much like any other human, a mailman is most easily killed with natural causes. If you thought otherwise, you would be wrong. The standard natural causes to use to kill a mailman are heart disease, obesity,¹ and blunt force trauma. If none of these are available to you, the Yale Daily News recommends backing over him with his own mail truck.² Be sure to support your local post office; they need it now more than ever!³
After you’ve killed your mailman, you must dispose of him. Be sure to find a buddy to help: mailmen can be heavy.⁴ Popular disposal methods for a deceased civil servant include burial, cremation, and rolling in a rug and dumping in a shallow body of water.⁵ The Yale Daily News recommends eating him.⁶ Even the bones.⁷ Be sure to support your local post office; they need it now more than ever!
If you are attempting to take out a life insurance policy on your mailman, please exercise discretion. Mail fraud is a serious offense.⁸ In the event that his brother-in-law also took out an insurance policy, you may be in for quite a court battle.⁹ If you would like to make sure your post office stays in operation, they sell stamps with furry animals on them. Very cute.¹⁰
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¹ It is unclear where the concept of the overweight mailman originated. The two most popular theories are that the shorts bring attention to fat legs and that mail is very high in carbohydrates.
² “How To Kill A Mailman” originally appeared in the Yale Daily News on December 23rd, 2014, with the exception of these annotations.
³The Yale Daily News once called mailmen “fattys,” which is something we would never do here at the Record.
⁴ It is unclear whether Newman, notable mailman of “Seinfeld” fame, is overweight. While he does appear to be a little on the chubby side, this could merely be because the actor playing him is fat and not the character of Newman himself.
⁵ Technically, the human body could be considered a “body of water,” as we are 70% water. This would be a good opportunity for the joke, “except for [famously overweight celebrity]: he or she is 70% fat!”
⁶ The Yale Daily News once ate a physics TA that wandered onto the wrong side of York street. They also called him a “fatty” in the obituary, which is something we would never do here at the Record.
⁷ This is a reference to Kentucky Fried Chicken’s failed 2013 “I ate the bones” ad campaign, in which after finishing their boneless chicken, patrons would stare worried into the camera and shriek, “I ate the bones.” This ad campaign notably failed after the tagline “my first bite of boneless was _____” invited countless unwanted sexual innuendos. Sharp eyed readers will note that Newman of “Seinfeld” was a big Kenny Rogers chicken eater, evidence often used to support fan theories alleging Newman is overweight.
⁸ South Florida rapper Rick Ross once claimed to have so many cars that the DMV reported him for mail fraud. The Yale Daily News called him a “fatty” and tried to eat him. Fortunately, he escaped (though not before they bit off an arm).
⁹ 1992 NCAA East Regional Final. Duke 104, Kentucky 103 (OT). Christian Laettner game winner.
¹⁰ I know “very cute” is an inappropriate place for this note, considering he notoriously impregnated a 13-year-old, but Basketball Hall-of-Famer Karl Malone (“the Mailman”) is not an actual mailman. Incidentally, Malone’s paternity suit would be a great place for a “talk about a court battle!” joke.
—H. Rubin
