If you’re reading this guide, congratulations! You’ve either discovered something you believe to be an ancient relic or your friends struggle with gift-giving. Either way, we’d get along very well!
Now I know from experience that you’re quite excited about your discovery, but I urge you to calm down a bit. Before you do anything else, it’s very important that you confirm what you have is indeed an ancient relic. If you’re unsure, think about where you found it. Booby-trapped temple? Sunken ship? Probably an ancient relic. Dollar General? Dumpster behind an Arby’s? Doubtful.
Once you’ve sorted out the good stuff, the first thing to look at is the material to get a relative sense of the value. A basic guideline for this, from least to most expensive, is as follows: wood, stone, silver, gold, petrified gold, weapons-grade uranium, and crystallized baby tears. You probably won’t find much of that last one, but if you do, go ahead and send in your two weeks’ notice, because you are set for life. If you find something made of any other material, it’s probably worthless; all substances besides those were created after the 14th century.
Of course, older objects are much more valuable, so determining the relic’s age should be your next step. Many people are tempted to carbon date their find, but you’re a treasure hunter! What do you need science for? There are a few much simpler, science-free tests you can perform to determine something’s age. My favorite is to cut the object in half and check the number of rings. If you see none, then the object is most likely not a tree, and may or may not be more than 400 million years old. If you do see rings, then it’s probably a tree, and thus not an ancient relic.
Having taken these considerations, you are ready to start selling! Here are some helpful tips to get the best price for your relic. Most people willing to buy such treasures are very lonely, so be sure to flirt a lot and make empty promises about meeting up. It’s also important to act like you’re an experienced seller. Some helpful phrases to drop include “I sure did sell a lot of ancient relics today!,†“That vase you’re holding is made almost entirely of uranium,†and “How does some sexy time with yours truly sound? Not right now though.†If you do all this, you are well on your way to successfully selling an ancient relic.
Happy appraisal!
—E. Campbell-Taylor
