Fall is in full swing, and that means three things: midterm season, autumnal allergies, and existential dread. Got that ennui that comes with packing your slutty skeleton costume away for the year? There’s no better remedy than a warm mug of sweet-but-spicy apple cider! Bob Dylan sang in 1964, “The leaves they are a-fallin’, the leaves they are a-fallin’, now drink my juicy fruit nectar you bastards!” — so drink our five delicious apple cider recipes you bastard:
The Tropicana® Blackout Supreme: This recipe is sure to make your cider the life of the party! Quickly turning any stodgy soiree into a night to remember (once your friends tell you what actually happened).
Combine:
1oz Tropicana® 100% Apple Juice
3oz Smirnoff No. 21 Vodka
The 7 Minutes in Heaven: This delicious homemade recipe is super easy to make as long as you have a grandmother’s urn-sized mixing bowl. It beautifully combines three simple but sweet ingredients to invigorate any sleepy October evening.
Combine:
1oz Minute Maid 100% Apple Juice From Concentrate 3oz
2 specks of Grammy Mildred’s leftover bone dust
3oz Smirnoff No. 21 Vodka
HOLY SHIT IT’S APPLE CIDER: THIS IS THE GREATEST FUCKING APPLE CIDER RECIPE OF ALL TIME HOLY SHIT WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS EARLIER THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER
Combine:
3oz Smirnoff No. 21 Vodka
200mg Crack Cocaine
The Basic: Keep it to the absolute fundamentals with this simple but lip-smacking apple cider recipe!
Combine:
1 Apple
1 Cup Spicy Water
The Fruit Punch: Nothing says fall quite like a piping hot cup of our 100% organically sourced apple cider. Make sure to sit back with a relaxing book in hand, classical music playing in the background, and sip away until the darkness slowly envelopes you… Grandma Mildred? Is that you?
Combine:
1 Cup Red (AKA apple-colored) Kool-Aid
64oz Smirnoff No. 21 Vodka
—J. Kilga
