- Dogvaulting
Contestants are given a regulation 16’4” semi-flaccid weiner, and are tasked with propelling themselves above a horizontal dog, beginning at a height of 6’; the current record is 6’4”. John “SteelDogging” Maroney recently cleared a height of 25’, before the rules committee discovered a steel rod inside his dog. - Doggolf
No sport highlights the versatile aspects of the hot dog quite like doggolf. Each competitor is allowed 14 clubs made of “all-natural meat”, and can shape each club with one regulation-sized meat tenderizer . The dog-ball is a Frank standard Regionaldo dog, and the hole is a standard Regionaldo bun. The sport is a true test of endurance, as par for each hole is 23 strokes, each course has at least 32 holes, and the average round takes 22 hours. - Dogfencing
Competitors are tasked with painting each with ketchup. Each wields a weiner-saber that has a dollop of ‘tchup smeared on the end. While the flimsy nature of the weapon poses a challenge to most, Jack “Aptly Named” Thundercock has a unique strategy of holding the dog between his legs to maximize his grip strength. He cruised through the qualifying competition without a drop of ketchup to be seen. - Hot dog fishingSelf-explanatory.
- Dog Savoring
After years of barbaric “quantity” hot dog eating competitions, the Olympics have finally moved to judging by quality. . Competitors are given an hour to fully savor the experience of putting a weiner in their mouths. The panel of judges give contestants scores between 1-10 based on five categories: facial expression, sound effects, toppings selected, increase in heart rate, and bodily stimulation. While Bizzie “Big Mouth” Bonklin won in the qualifying competition, everyone loves hot dogs – it’s anyone’s game.
Note: We here at Regionaldo’s Olympic Tabloid sincerely hope to see the hot dog luge included in the ‘74 Olympics.
-A. Cramer and J. Banks
