Why I Chose Hahvard

We at the Record respect diversity of thought. So much so that we’ve invited a Harvard student to explain how exactly they ended up in their sorry situation. Number 1 on the list: “I hate winning football games.”  

Why I Chose Hahvard: 

My name is Bartholomew Cunningham, and I am a student at Harvard. The kind editors of the Yale Record asked me to make a list of why I chose Harvard. It was really difficult to come up with good reasons to want to go to Harvard, but I hired six college counselors to help me brainstorm. Now I present to you my list. 

1. 1. I hate winning football games

1. 1. I like the Unabomber a lot 

1. 1. I want to stay a virgin forever 

1. 1. I run on Dunkin 

1. 1. I want to stay close to my family butler 

1. 1. I really want to stay a virgin forever 

1. 1. I hate puppies

1. 1. I get confused easily about whether shirts are pants
   2. I don’t understand how numbered lists work

1. 1. It was too much pressure to write for the world’s oldest college humor magazine (the standards are much lower and more forgiving at the Lampoon!) 

                                                                                                         — B. Cunningham