Obituary: Quinn Blarney

Quinn Blarney, beloved member of the Swampscott community, passed away peacefully yesterday morning at the age of 49. He is survived by his ex-wife Maeve, and his three children, Doreen, Anne, and Hocher.

Quinn was born in 1973 to Charlene Rice Blarney and Mickey Blarney. Mickey was a medic in the Vietnam War, until he was crippled by debilitating injury ¹. In the hospital, he met a nurse, Charlene, who helped him recover from his wounds ². It was love at first sight. Several months later, he became the first person of Irish descent to be awarded a Purple Heart ³. As an expression of gratitude to Charlene, he gave her a son.

Quinn was a great admirer of his father, and had always tried to be like him. At the age of 15, he dropped out of middle school to pursue his dream of becoming a historian. After working odd jobs and moving around for 10 years, he landed his dream job at the Swampscott Public Library, where he curated a selection of pamphlets about the town’s past ⁴. In Swampscott, Quinn met his wife Maeve, and they married soon after ⁵.

In 2015, Quinn founded the first ever Vietnam War reenactment league in honor of his father ⁶. In 2018, the league launched the Kissinger Award for “exceptional valor in the battlefield” ⁷. Quinn was the winner in 2018, 2019 and 2021 ⁸ and took immense pride in his winning streak. The acting president writes about their fallen soldier,

“Quinn was, by many accounts, the most dedicated member of the league. We will all miss him dearly. He’s the kind of guy who could inspire even a sack of potatoes with a love for the Vietnam War. I’ve never in all my years met someone so committed to their craft. Taking a real cyanide capsule ⁹ is definitely the kind of thing that can win you a Kissinger ¹⁰.”

The Blarneys invite friends and family to a reception at Dave’s Tavern to honor their deceased loved one ¹¹.

— S. Leone

1. 1. Carpal tunnel syndrome
   2. Charlene, being the literate one of the two, helped Mickey forge medical records to exaggerate his injuries. In 1998, the government launched an investigation, and Charlene was found guilty of helping dozens of soldiers do the same to get sent home. This, of course, begs the natural question: “was she empathizing with the soldiers, or did she just want America to lose?”
   3. This was a milestone for the Irish-American community, who were heavily stereotyped as cowards.
   4. During his time at the library, Quinn authored several books on local history, the most notable one being “We Live in a Town Called Swampscott.”
   5. Hocher was born seven months after the marriage, a fact the astute reader might find suspicious.
   6. In the name of realism, none of the reenactors wore uniforms. There were also no designated warzones. For this reason, it was impossible to know at any given moment if you were playing or who was on your side. Most of the members suffered from years of anxiety and paranoia.
   7. The award was later made just for “exceptional valor” in lieu of an actual battlefield.
   8. In 2020, the award was given to Donald Trump, an avid supporter of Vietnam War veterans. This was widely regarded as a slap in the face to Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker, who is from Swampscott.
   9. Convinced his Uber driver was driving him to a P.O.W. camp, Quinn took no chances.
   10. While the league did consider Quinn for the Kissinger posthumously, it was instead given to Randall Tierney for making his own hat.
   11. Dave’s is the preferred venue for families of modest means. The Blarneys respectfully ask that, if you must come, you fill up on water before ordering. You can still order a lot of food if you’re hungry, but just try and have a few glasses and see where you’re at.