Mark David Chapman famously shot John Lennon while holding a copy of Catcher in the Rye. While you missed that opportunity, here are some other things the great novel could call for you to do.
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- Learn to read: Holden Caulfield famously said, “I’m quite illiterate, but I read a lot.” In this quote he’s calling you, the reader, to take up the monumental task of learning whatever the fuck is on this page.
- Commit your mother to a psych ward: Warning! According to Holden, “Mothers are all slightly insane.” This should be a hair raiser for you. Convince your mother to go on a “special trip” with you and take her to the nearest mental institution immediately!
- Tell a stranger about your uncle: “It’s nice when somebody tells you about their uncle.” Holden wasn’t kidding; he really thinks people should just confront strangers and tell them about that one time your uncle walked in on you changing, stood there staring, and commented on your dick size. They definitely want to hear about that.
- Accelerate global warming: We get cold all the time, but no one gets cold quite like Holden does. “It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything,” he says about the state of the world. He’s fed up with this and you should be too. Buy a Hummer. Build more coal plants. Invest heavily in fossil fuels. Have a gender reveal party with fireworks in California. Just do whatever you can to make sure Holden’s dead body isn’t cold.
- Snort coke off a hooker’s tits: Well he doesn’t explicitly tell you to do this one, but you should do it anyway in his memory…
- Throw babies in a rye field: This is the most important thing you can do on this list. How could Holden be catching those babies in the rye field if no one was throwing them? To make this a reality, rob the local maternity ward, go to your nearest rye field, and proceed to chuck these infants like you’re OJ throwing away evidence. You might ask, “But who’s going to catch them?” Doesn’t matter. That’s Holden’s job. Just focus on yours.
- Become a phony: By this point you’ve realized Holden fucking sucks. In spite of this, become his worst nightmare: a phony.
—E. Calderon
