The puppy mill industry has hit an unprecedented lull as suspicious dog deaths are at an all time high this week. Remains of beagles, bulldogs, and boxers have littered the alleys of Rafferty Falls all month, but this week saw a new high in canine fatalities. Just this morning, a pile of poodle was found in the alley behind the Catcher-Murderer household, home of local gay couple Dog Catcher and Charlie Murderer.
“It was heartbreaking,” Charlie Murderer told us. “I walked into the alley to take care of some of that business, ya know, and there they were, them fluffy little balls of happiness, dead and just stacked on top of each other, riddled with all sorts of medieval-weapon wounds and gun-shots…”
“I really don’t know what the future of Rafferty Falls looks like, if I’m being honest,” said Dog Catcher, standing behind Mr. Murderer and shaking his head. “I’ve been milling puppies for years, and I’ve never seen a crisis this bad. I don’t know when I can retire at this point, to be honest.” The two men were holding hands.
“We can’t even afford our son a birthday present,” Charlie Murderer said, breaking into tears. “We love our little boy, no matter what.” Their disgusting son, Dog Murderer, who stood by wearing a shirt smattered with clumps of fur and red stains, made no comment.
Though this newspaper does not engage in speculation, it would be remiss not to inform readers that a certain marauding group from the neighboring villages has long been suspected of participation in dog removal.
—D. Blokh and H. Rubin
Happy Birthday Dog Murderer!
Happy 14th birthday Dog Murderer! Dog is the son of Dog Catcher and Charlie Murderer, the town gay couple. Mr. and Mr. Catcher and Murderer have a message for their son: “What a fine young dog man you’ve grown into! Shades of both your dad and dad in you! We love you Dog!”
The public birthday party will be held at the local pound. Theme is pestilence. Everyone is expected to bring a gift, suggested value $4. Please no dog poison, medieval weaponry, or guns; Dog already has enough of those at home as is. You may bring a +1. You can bring a +2 or +3 if they are all girls (per Dog’s request). RSVP recommended, but not required.
—H. Rubin
