Orang O. Tang: An orange ape. Considered generally friendly due to his upbringing in the Rafferty Falls Zoo before escaping and becoming a member of human society. Works at Pavel’s Body Shop and Bar and Grill. Invariably seen wearing jumpsuit with cursive “Orang” over left breast pocket. Most often spotted peering, gazing, surveying, and otherwise observing women’s restrooms. He’s a dirty lil monkey. Children are welcome to pet him, but please keep dogs and women outside his lunging radius.
The Shadow People: Following moderate-to-high Benadryl consumption (roughly 13 standard-size pills). Regularly spotted by the students of R. Falls Junior High, as well as Phys. Ed. teacher Coach Seamus-Mendel McShapiro. Discernible to the human eye only as silhouettes. The Shadow People are notable for their third, slightly shorter middle leg (referred to as a “dong” by the students of R. Falls Junior High, as well as phys. ed. teacher Coach Seamus-Mendel McShapiro).
Dog That’s Bred to Look Like Man: If you see a four legged creature with the face of Patton Oswalt, that would be this creature. Escaped from puppy mill research facility F263-y during major windstorm in 1994. Rumored member of the Catcher family.
Man That’s Bred to Look Like Dog: Much more difficult to breed, high incidence of genetic error. He just came out really short.
Mr. Meat: King of the Shadow People. Apparently once you take enough Benadryl (quantified at roughly 17 standard-size pills) while remaining conscious, you will be visited by Mr. Meat. Last reported sighting by C. Murderer in the woods on river’s east bank.
Half-Man-Half-Dog: This abomination was birthed after his two gay dads accidentally mixed up egg donation and dog breeding egg. Ugliest thing known to man, women and children advised to avert their eyes.
Sammy Two Hands: He can hit you with that left or with that right. Just a dude with two hands who thinks having two hands is rare for some reason.
Tommy Two Dicks: Brother of Sammy Two Hands, except with two dicks. Can also hit you with that left or with that right. Actually kind of a weird dude, not just because of the two dick thing.
Pug: Just a normal pug that came out of the puppy millery, fucking ugly ass dog. Jesus fucking Christ, pugs are ugly. Holy shit, why would anyone want one of these abominations of dogs? I mean, whoever’s out here killing dogs won’t even get close to one of these bad boys.
—A. Beer, D. Blokh, J. Kilga, and H. Rubin
