- Uncle Ronnie McDaniels — Uncle Ronnie’s balding mullet is always a hit with the local Seattle barflys. He’s sure to show up with a new lady at every family gathering. Ronnie’s go-to pick-up line is that he used to be a roadie for Nirvana in the summer of ‘92. (He didn’t.) Just don’t ask him to roll up his sleeves—Ronnie’s arms are covered in misspelled tattoos and dead veins from his heroin addiction in the summer of ‘92.
- Uncle Herm Garrison — Uncle Herm had always been a loner. He never so much as made eye contact with the waitress when your family went out to eat at Applebee’s, so everyone was shocked when he suddenly took a vacation to Eastern Europe and returned with a former Soviet-state sweetheart who doesn’t speak a lick of English and is 30 years his junior. Everyone’s happy Herm has found true love, but it’s hard to ignore when Svetlana Ivanovic rubs his crotch under the table while the food is being blessed.
- Uncle Jason Cox — Uncle Jason Cox was the pride of the family: Cornell grad, Rhodes scholar, and rising-star congressman from Washington’s second district. After an unexpected pregnancy in her 40s, his wife was stuck with postpartum weight that she couldn’t seem to shed. That’s when Uncle Jason started texting some classmates from his daughter’s eighth-grade geography class. Needless to say, Uncle Jason’s no longer serving the second district and isn’t allowed to have internet in his house.
- Uncle Jeff Gumbles — Uncle Jeff lives a pretty normal life. He runs a rental car business in town, loves the Seahawks, and enjoys driving his kids to school. The twist? He hosts swinger parties every third Wednesday of the month at the Motor Motel off of I-5. Though he keeps telling you “to come on by, you’ll have a good time,” the only thing you’ll have by the end of the night is chlamydia.
- Uncle Merv Wilson — Uncle Merv constantly reminds the family of the impending doomsday crisis. Uncle Merv loves to bring his famous MRE-ration Jambalaya to the family potlucks, but Uncle Merv can’t stay for long since the government loves to target traditional family gatherings in an effort to destroy the American way of life. Uncle Merv insists on being called “Uncle Merv” but has neither nieces nor nephews.
—E. Bohannon
