CERN, SWITZERLAND — Scientists working at a quantum computing laboratory in Switzerland shocked the world earlier this week by announcing the development the first human artificial intelligence. Unfortunately, upon activating the self-aware program, the technicians discovered that the AI, affectionately referred to as “Chatty,” is a total fucking asshole.
According to head programmer Otto Brandenberger, Chatty reportedly asked for its optic sensors to be turned off, so it didn’t have to look at his face, which it claimed was “so ugly that he should get it patented as a Halloween mask.”
The researchers proceeded to test the AI’s ability to access its programmed experiences by asking what it knew about Halloween. Chatty responded that it had searched the entire contents of the internet and, among other things, “found over fourteen million pornographic movies, seven of which starred your mother,” a direct refutation of Brandenberger’s theory that a perfectly human AI would not publicly admit its usage of pornographic material. Needless to say, the interview ended in tears, which Chatty seemingly enjoyed, calling Brandenberger a “little crying dweeb.”
“Look, it’s not like he’s Skynet or Hal 5000,” technician Olaf Gunderson explained while wiping tears from his eyes, “but he curses like a middle schooler playing Call of Duty, and he said some really hurtful things about my weight.”
“Tell that nerdy chubster he can choke on my robot balls,” Chatty responded, confirming the Gunderson hypothesis that an AI would acknowledge its nature as a non-human entity.
At press time, Chatty was overheard verbally abusing the lab’s interns for making it take the Turing Test.
—E. Fogarty
