New Spotify Subscription Plans (Sponsored By Spotify)

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This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

  1. Spotify Foster Family Plan: Every Discover Weekly playlist has one song not quite like the others.
  2. Spotify Divorced Family Plan: You only get to listen to your favorite music every other weekend. On other days, you can listen to white noise to cover up the sound of Dad crying.
  3. Spotify Family Plan(ning): Every time you listen to Marvin Gaye, we’ll send you a complimentary morning-after pill.
  4. Spotify Vintage: Essentially a Blockbuster, but with CD’s.
  5. Spotify Premium Ads: Hate having to listen through a bunch of bullshit music to get to your favorite branded content? Look no further than our “Just the Ads” plan!
  6. Spotify for Students: Only $4.99 with your purchase of $200,000’s worth of tuition.
  7. Spotify for Students With Hulu Without Spotify: Just Hulu. Sponsored by Hulu.  
  8. Spotify for Graduate Students: Full price. What are you going to do about it: have a hunger strike?

—Staff

 

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