This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.
Please stop asking us to toast your sandwiches. Cold cuts are meant to be cold. If they were meant to be toasted, we would call them hot cuts. But we don’t. So stop asking for us to toast them, or we’re going to have no choice but to let Jared loose.
There are a couple things we have to go over here. Yes, Jared lost 200 pounds eating our sandwiches. Yes, Jared is an inspiration to men, women, and children everywhere. Yes, Jared has been a bad boy lately. A very bad boy. That’s why we’ve been keeping Jared in Subway Jail for the past three and a half years.
And yes, there are “real” jails that exist to handle people like Jared. But we couldn’t let that happen. If Jared were put in a real jail, he would probably die. After spending two decades eating nothing but mayonnaise-free turkey sandwiches, his body is not capable of digesting anything else, especially not prison food (prisons do not Eat Fresh™). The only way to feed him is to pump blended sandwiches directly into his stomach through a tube, and they just don’t have this kind of thing at the real jails, so we have to do it ourselves.
Don’t worry, we aren’t being too nice to Jared. We make him wear his comically large jeans from his fat days without a belt so that he has to hold them up with his hands all day. And the pants are very heavy because they are very large, so this is very difficult for him. We photoshopped pictures of Jared to make him uglier and taped them to all the mirrors in the prison so now he thinks he is ugly. None of the guards are allowed to call him his favorite nickname, J-Money. They can only use his least favorite nickname, Jare-Bear.
We can’t only be mean to Jared. We do have to make sure he does not have an obesity relapse. We used to take him on walks around the exercise yard every afternoon, but, being the most famous inmate in Subway Jail, Jared got bullied by the other inmates, so now we put him on a leash and take him on walks around the neighborhood outside the jail. We even let him pick out his own leash and he picked out a blue one with paw prints on it. What we don’t do is let kids pet Jared. They cry but we tell them Jared is a service animal and it is rude.
So why is this important? Well, we’ve been getting a lot of complaints from our regional managers lately about you customers asking for your sandwiches toasted. We’ve tried everything to get you to stop. We wish it didn’t come to this, but we are out of options. We are going to let Jared off his leash.
—H. Rubin
