Of all of the difficult things about transitioning to college life, the most difficult is certainly being forced to cohabitate with anywhere from three to twelve other obnoxiously precocious youths. While living with others can assuage loneliness and possibly lead to actual friendships, solitude becomes a precious commodity. The first months of school can be an emotionally turbulent experience, and it can be a great challenge to mask all forms of vulnerability from bloodthirsty classmates. Therefore, The Record has compiled a list of the best places on and around campus to sob to your heart’s content. Hopefully these tips will help you effectively conceal your pain until you can safely release your pathetic laments during October break.
- The Shower: Ol’ reliable. The obvious benefits of shower sobs include ubiquity, built-in white noise, and quick disposal of evidence. Use the shower cry to bookend your days, with a quick breakdown before breakfast, and a long, luxurious weep in the evening.
- Econ 115: In this class of two million students, no one will notice you bawling in the upper balcony. They’ll all be asleep anyway.
- Bass Study Rooms: Soundproof and secluded, the library’s depths are an excellent place for blubbering. These rooms also allow you to appear studious as you’re hunched over.
- Alternative Theater Auditions: They’ll say your audition material evoked the primal terror of exiting the womb, and you might get cast in a play!
- Women’s Table: Your tears will be swallowed up by the fountain, and if anyone questions you, you can claim you were just overwhelmed by the gains women made in the latter half of the twentieth century. If they’re unconvinced, claim that your “horrific keening” disturbs them, or indicate that you ought to seek some sort of professional help, you can call them a misogynist and flee.
–G. Wynter
